People pay the compliment, for example, when I tell them Claire wakes up 3-5 times a night to feed. Honestly, I woke up each and every time not because I was an amazing mother, but because I had to.The sound of a crying baby -- especially one that is hungry -- is as grating as listening to ten fire alarms going off at the same time. People may imagine that I, as an amazing mother, would float out of bed smiling as I scoop my daughter up in my loving embrace to nurse her. Maybe there are such mothers, but not me.
Everytime I hear her cries over the baby monitor mid-slumber, I reflexively mumble, "Nooo...too soon...too soon." I would then moan and groan and resist until I just couldn't take the crying any longer. I would then reluctantly drag my tired body out of bed and zombie-walk to her room. It was far from the image an "amazing mother" would garner.
I am not sure if the "amazing mother" terminology is meant to be sincere or is now just a cultural nicety. Regardless, motherhood has shown me that not all mothers are selfless saints we are painted to be. We don't always put the needs of our kids before our own (at least I don't). And this mother most certainly does not do it all with a smile. And yes, I'm just speaking for myself.
I remember when Claire was just a few weeks old, I was just so exhausted and overwhelmed. I couldn't believe what I had gotten myself into and I frequently lamented and pined for my old life. During the lowest and worst days, I even felt bitter about the whole thing. Why did I have to ruin a happy, easy and comfortable life? Now the house is too small, our school district is not good enough and disposable income is a myth. What on earth were we thinking?!
I sometimes felt the lament on a more mundane level. After Claire finally falls asleep, I would brace myself whenever she stirred, "Oh no, please, please, please don't wake up yet!" I wanted to finally sleep, or eat, or shower, or poop, or insert-basic-need-here.
After she wakes up, we would feed her, change her diaper and pray that she falls quickly back into sleep again. When she poops, I would hope that it is not a blowout (which requires wiping her down thoroughly and changing the clothes of a wriggling, fragile baby and changing pad covers).
I am constantly hoping that she would just eat quickly, poop without blowout and sleep longer. During the first three months, I was too exhaused and inexperienced as a new mother to handle anything else.
Slowly by slow, though, I noticed that I started to change. With each passing week, I got better at something. I am now decent enough at diaper changing that I can do it with dim lighting in the middle of the night. (My husband, though, is the diaper-changing pro in this family). I am getting better at changing her clothes, so I stopped fearing blowouts. (She is also now a strong, chunky little one so I don't have to be afraid that I'm breaking something when putting her tiny arms through a tiny onesie armhole.) I got better at nursing so I stopped dreading the back pain and nipple pain and started enjoying the beautiful bond that only I get to feel. My body realized it's not getting that glorious 10 hours of continous sleep for the next 20 years and started to cope.
I may never become the image of an amazing mother, but motherhood is making me more flexible or more resigned -- pick your perspective. It's stretching me, expanding me and forcing me to surrender and let go.
I am realizing that motherhood, like so many other skills, gets better with time. The more you do it, the better you get, and the more comfortable you become. You are then able to be more flexible with your baby most of the time so that it doesn't crush you if she takes a 40 min catnap instead of a glorious 2-hour nap. You can handle it, because you are able. You can say to yourself, "Whenever she wakes up, I will feed her then take her to the park." And that would sound totally doable. So then when she finally wakes up, you can greet her with a big smile and say in a sweet voice, "Good morning, sweetheart! *Kiss* *Kiss* Did you have a good dream?"
And being able to do that is amazing enough for this mother for now.