I wasn't even sure what the RE secretary really needed to do until I reviewed the checklist in the Teacher's Manual this weekend (should've done that earlier, right?). My, oh my, I haven't done half the things on the list! I then realized that there was a checklist for Lead Teachers', too... *sad sigh*
Somewhere in the middle of the weekend, I went from feeling overwhelmed to ...fear. Actually no, the word I was looking for is trepidation. I felt a sense of trepidation sweep over my spirit. As if I was standing in front of God and could not explain myself.
A full year (or more?) of being an unfaithful RE Secretary and Lead Teacher....and maybe even teacher, left me feeling soiled. Like a hypocrite. I was too tired? I had too much on my plate? Those were excuses that I know wouldn't fly.
The fact of the matter was that I was not faithful in my service. If I were, I would be at peace before God and say, "Lord, I tried my best - you know, for you search my heart and know my thoughts."
In Mk 9: 24, the father of a sick child desperately cried out to Jesus, "Lord, I believe; Help my unbelief!". He has the right to cry out to Jesus because he has done his best but is still lacking. God is always there to help us, but not when we haven't done our part and, worse, when we excuse and justify ourselves out of duty. There are fewer things worse than a shamelessly unaccountable worker.
I'm sad to say: this is not the first time in my servitude when I've come to this same point. I've confronted my unfaithfulness many, many times. And each time, I sincerely decided that I needed to do better. That I can to better. That I will do better. I will really put my heart in it. I won't make any more excuses. Just put in the time and effort, right? Isn't it really just that simple? Then why, oh why, can I not just be a faithful and reliable servant for Christ?
Dear friends and family -- please pray for this unfaithful servant!