When I was a teenager and even into my early 20s, life was just awkward and frustrating. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. Nothing I did was good enough or right. There was a level of complexity and confusion I had about existing in general, and I just couldn't figure out how to be happy and at ease with who I am with the people and situation around me.
I'm not sure what has changed in these ~5 years, but life feels simpler. Maybe it's just the passing of puberty and the drama that comes with it. I feel my relationships have simplified. I really enjoy my friendships right now and I really get so much joy from them. And for relationships that are less than ideal, I no longer seek for them idealistically. Maybe I'm just more accepting and comfortable with leaving things as they are now. I seek less to please. Instead, I enjoy being on equal footing with others and I'm starting to feel that it's healthier this way. And oddly, I feel like people feel more comfortable and respect people who are not out to please. Oh, the irony of life.
I also started to ponder that the climate of a relationship is created by all parties involved and there is a "normal" or "equilibrium setting" associated with it. And that setting is based on the efforts and care of the people involved. For example, people who keep in touch once a year and stay on the surface will naturally have a casual relationship. People who make the effort to keep in touch weekly or have deeper conversations will have a much closer relationship. So different relationships have different norms. It's not something to force on anyone and not something anyone can force on you. Closeness is simply a norm proportional to the behavior of both parties to the relationship.
Or maybe life is simpler now because I got through the uncertain years of my early 20s. At that age, everything is in flux. It's exciting because of the endless possibilities. But it's also terrifying because of the endless possibilities. I had no idea where I would be and who I would become and who I have to live with. But now that I'm employed and married and much of my life has settled down to a familiar rhythm and place, perhaps I find life to be simpler.
Or maybe all this is simply a marker of growing older. Earlier this year, I had a conversation with a sister who is over 80 years old. She told me how much she enjoys being 80. She says at her age she is completely comfortable with who she is. I remember smiling when I hear her say so. And I feel like maybe I'm beginning to see a little bit of that in my own life.